


colour your cartography in your dreams of me

by starfleetbanana



Series: Echoes and souvenirs [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bulimia, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-09 14:38:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7805737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snippets and important moments of Jim's bulimia recovery with all the ugliness and hapiness it brings and his attempts to make it back to where he belongs, the Enterprise.</p><p>Sequel to burn the kingdom down (you don't need to read beforehand, though). No Beyond spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If any of you knows me from tumblr you know I love this AU with my entire soul. I've dedicated so much time to it and finally I wrote a part two, I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I did writing it even though I did cry a bit. As I mentioned before this is a sequel to burn the kingdom down and it would be really cool if you could read that before you read this one because I'm pretty sure some things could be misunderstood, but still I think you don't absolutely have to if you don't want to.  
> Anyway, as I said in the first part of this series this is more or less based on assumptions and personal experience (minus the annoying fact I'm not a starship captain), so sometimes I don't notice I'm being too graphic though this is much softer in those terms in comparison to burn the kingdom down. Enjoy!
> 
> (Title from "Cartographist" by Purity Rings because star maps make me cry)

“Congrats, Jim” Gaila said right next to him patting him on the shoulder. It felt childish and reassuring, simply because Gaila was a ray of sunshine, all bright smiles and dirty jokes. Gaila was exactly like he used to be, all the self destructiveness left aside, shy kisses on Carol’s cheek and tight hugs, just like he and Leonard used to be. He would’ve said it out loud, because he trusted her enough to know she’d understand, but he kept his mouth shut simply because he couldn’t allow himself to be so pessimistic just yet.

“Thanks” He said once again, for the twentieth time after everyone’d finally arrived. They were having a crew reunion at Nyota’s place and she and Christine wouldn’t stop smiling softly at each other and trying to include him in their conversation, but he wasn’t having any of it, he’d had something more important to focus on.

After a few months apart from everyone, including Bones, he was doing a bit better. He still felt a bit embarrassed though because he’d needed to get in a program in order to do some kind of progress, but he’d made it, he’d been struggling for three months and was finally out. It felt like all his bitterness and sadness was back when he walked out of his hospital room, but he’d still managed to keep it at bay. Now mission number one was being kind to the people who cared about him instead of being defensive.

The process was incredibly slow though, so he stopped talking to think about everything people’d told him. _‘You look amazing’ doesn’t mean you look fat. ‘We missed you’ doesn’t mean we’re lying go back where you belong you’re mental. ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean I love you just because now you don’t seem that sick anymore._ Even if it took a while and it made him feel quite upset, it was a better technique than simply accepting what his mind said and going to the bathroom to let his physical pain wash their opinions away. He knew better than to hide his feelings and smile.

“Everything good?” Leonard asked handing him a glass of wine. He nodded in response and smiled. He felt content, and it was a feeling so alien to him he worried it might disappear too soon. Everyone seemed so happy around him, and even though he wasn’t feeling like shit anymore, he still felt detached from the world. He didn’t drink, and no one said a thing when he didn’t finish his meal. They said their goodbyes and left way earlier than the rest of their friends because he didn’t want to risk getting drunk and unbalancing his entire diet the first week.

He thought it was stupid though, treatment still seemed completely messed up to him simply because of the fact they couldn’t find a way to make it better without making it worse first. He was basically supposed to challenge himself and start eating things that weren’t on his list of safe foods, which simply made food the main focus of his life again. The therapist said that was a way to replace bad memories with good ones, but the anxiety it brought him everyday didn’t seem exactly positive.

“It’s so annoying” He whispered as he bit his nails, something he’d never done before treatment.

“What?”

“I know they’ve good intentions, but I don’t need to be congratulated for not throwing shit up and being healthier, that’s what I’m supposed to do. No one’s congratulating you because you’re not underweight. It’s just annoying” Jim explained. He was restless, probably because his body needed the high he only got bingeing and purging because he needed to make his mind shut the hell up, but vocalizing his thoughts was a surprisingly good strategy he was starting to like. He bit his lower lip, concerned of what Bones might think of him before continuing “I know you say the right things because you understand how it works and because you’re a doctor and-“

“And because I listen to what you say. You don’t need to explain or excuse yourself for the things you think, Jim”. Leonard interrupted reassuringly. He moved his hand to Jim’s thigh and kept it there. They were alone in the shuttle, according to the clock it was still early, but it was dark already. The city lights made Bones’ eyes look golden and Jim let himself get lost in the warmth and realness of his presence in front of him.

“I know, I know”. He said as he let his head fall between his shoulders. “I know it’s cool for everyone but I don’t want to be reminded of it, I just want them to treat me like they’ve always done”.

“You should tell them, then. Just like you told me at the beginning of… things, you know?” He let Leonard’s touch bring him back to reality after the stress of the situation made him feel like he was about to explode. Everything was always so much easier with him, all simple answers and quick smiles. He laughed; this time convinced that things were going to be at least slightly better.

When they got home he let Leonard’s hands tangle in his hair as he kissed him and guided him to the bedroom. He slowly undressed him, taking his time to unbutton his shirt and his jeans that now fit completely different on Jim’s body. He kissed Jim’s worries away as he sat on the bed and bit and licked at the marks he’d just made on his thighs as he moaned into the back of his hand. No matter how close he could feel Bones’ body, tongue and teeth on his lips, it wasn’t enough so he held him in his arms as tight as he could, running his hands over his back and shoulders trying to relearn the scars on his lower back and kissing and biting his neck.

Sloppy handjobs and messy kissing used to be their thing back at the academy, when their time was precious but this time it felt so natural and unhurried for the both of them, Bones using every second to whisper sweet nothings against Jim’s neck as he lazily stroked him. He tightened his grip on Jim’s cock and changed the rhythm. Jim’s right hand went to Leonard’s hair and pulled as he whispered his name into his mouth and came in his hand.

Both of them let go and shifted on the bed so they were lying on their backs.

“Do you want me to-?” Jim asked pressing a kiss to Bones’ left shoulder.

“No, it’s ok” He answered as he relaxed into Jim’s touch. It was something he’d never considered before, but Leonard felt as safe in his touch as he did in his, and finally having him back home was completely different for him. He was worried about what was to come, and he did want to help Jim get better but more than anything he needed him right next to him, not to try and guess if he was still alive, or only to check his pulse, but to feel grounded and real too.

As soon as the realization came to him Jim couldn’t stop himself from wondering if this time things were going to work out for them, if this time maybe he could get his ship back or just his job in some way. He needed a way out and he knew exploring space with his crew was what he wanted his future to be.

“Are we ever going to get our lives back?” He asked looking into Leonard’s hazel eyes. This time it wasn’t a question full of guilt or bitterness. He shifted a bit more so he was lying on his right side, his cheek on Bones’ bicep.

“Yeah, just wait until you’re steady, darlin’. One or two psych evaluations will get all of us back to the Enterprise and I’ll be extremely unhappy about being back to the scary screaming void”.

“You’re such an ass”.

“Speaking of ass, your ass looks amazing” Leonard added with a cocky grin that became a soft giggle when Jim looked at him frowning.

“You’re spending way too much time with me, Bones”.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Jim really tries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things: thing #1, whenever you think of Jim crying, he's definately ugly crying. Thing #2, mentions of Chahura in this chapter because I'm weak. I'm still trying to decide if I'm gonna do this every Sunday or every Friday, but we'll see next week. Also thanks for all the support guys, I'm really excited for this! (You can definately come talk to me about this AU at bcshirs on tumblr).

Jim slowly woke up and, as every morning, he took a moment to listen to his heartbeat before he stirred and got out of bed. Leonard wasn’t home but it was no surprise since he’d taken up running ever since they were back on Earth. Jim still was a bit conflicted about it, balancing how hot Bones looked all sweaty and how it kept his legs the way he liked, and the fact he could actually exercising like a normal person. It all came down to Bones being allowed to burn calories, while Jim wasn’t supposed to exercise for at least another two months and it made him so fucking frustrated since he couldn’t do much to keep himself from gaining weight. Not that it was bad, it was just that sometimes it was too quick and sudden.

He wasn’t allowed to weigh himself either. Leonard was supposed to do that for him and it was to be kept a secret no matter how much he begged or how many blow jobs he offered, so he preferred strangers at the hospital to ask him uncomfortable questions, judge him in silence and take care of everything. That was another challenge. His blood had to be checked constantly and his body too, just to make sure he hadn’t hurt himself or wasn’t actively using any behaviours. It didn’t make sense though, since Jim, and at least 80% of the people he’d met at the hospital knew stuff not even the nurses could figure out to make themselves seem healthier.

He’d tried. Lord, he’d tried, but it was so hard since they trusted them to be responsible people who were there for a reason and wanted to get out. During the first week his body did everything the doctors said it would, but even with all the warnings there was no way he was keeping everything down, finding bottles and bags and sometimes even the weirdest things to throw up in until he could get used to the feeling of fullness and his stomach could actually process food.

His second week had been a bit better because then his body seemed to need food again and he actually managed to sleep without any pain, so he let himself start keeping down his lunch. It was hard, and sometimes he took too much time to finish a meal, making sure he’d left at least a reasonable amount of food on his plate but it was okay because according to the doctors changing his behaviour altogether would affect him in a negative way.

After the physical pain went away and the therapists started helping him make sense out of things, he accepted the fact he could ask for help. At the beginning it annoyed him to hell and back when people asked him to slow down because he was triggering the other patients. No one ever mentioned his body was probably craving food so bad he couldn’t stop himself from eating way too fast.

He had to remember all those things now he was home and no one was there to supervise him or control him but himself. It was a pain in the ass having to measure portions and _behave_ for his own sake, as if he was a kid all over again.

When all of that was out of his mind he remembered he had too much free time now and he needed to find something to do with himself during the day, which seemed pretty impossible at the moment since worrying about food took all his time.

Lazy Sunday mornings weren’t his thing. He usually forgot breakfast and that was a big no, but he still chose to go back to bed after having only a cup of coffee. _You’re doing what you can_ , he told himself trying to push the guilt away.

When Leonard came home he’d already decided he wasn’t in the mood for breakfast.

“It’s so cold outside, I hate myself” Bones said as he went into the bedroom to get some clean clothes and discard the dirty ones. After he came out of the shower Jim was still in bed with his head beneath a pillow. “Hey kid, what’s wrong?”

Jim took the pillow and pressed it against his face. “Don’t call me that when you’re naked, it’s so weird”. He said muffling the words against the fabric and giggling. He felt too confused at the moment to think about how naturally laughter came to him now.

“I’m gonna have some coffee, do you want some?” He asked finally buttoning his jeans.

“That’s the thing though” Jim answered still covering his face, this time with his hands as the pillow rested against the bed frame. He rubbed his eyes with his fingers as if to avoid too many of his senses working at the same time. “I’m gonna need you to freaking hold my hand while I’ve breakfast and cry because I’m an actual kid”.

“Sure” Bones answered smiling gently at him. Jim suddenly felt the urge to punch him in that beautiful face of his for being like that.

“’Sure’? Really?” He looked incredulously and sighed, finally relaxing his body. “It’s just so embarrassing, Bones. I’m really gonna cry over cereal and that’s just gross”

“Oh darlin’, don’t make such a big deal out of it” Leonard said as he sat back on the bed, this time facing Jim and reaching for his hand. “There’s all sorts of weird intimacy with us. Look, I’m pretty sure Uhura wouldn’t be able to say she loved Christine so much she’s cleaned her vomit and as much as Christine loves her back I don’t think she’d spend that many times a week using a regenerator on her hands” He continued with the most loving look in his eyes. Jim couldn’t even fathom how Bones valued even the worst moments they’d had.

“You’re disgusting, I love you” He answered swallowing his pride and shame and feeling his cheeks redden at how Leonard had learnt to make it so easier to talk about while it still made him feel incredibly embarrassed.

“Now, am I? We won’t talk about the hidden food I found after you left, you’re disgusting and that conversation’s for later” He said with a smile and Jim felt slightly offended at the use of his most shameful actions to get a reaction. Leonard stood up after he received Jim’s empty cup of coffee and padded toward the kitchen.

“Sorry for being gross and weird about food!” Jim yelled from the bed.

It felt weird, finally trivializing his illness and talking about it without adding tragedy to it. Indeed, it had changed everything they’d had before, but they still had each other. Jim still had the most important parts of the puzzle that would help him to make sense of his life and thoughts and fuck it because he didn’t feel like trying anymore, but if he couldn’t do it for Bones, he’d simply do it for his ship and the stars.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Jim ugly cries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Caraila (because Gaila and Carol are both alive on Earth being happy on the Kelvin timeline, yes)

“Can you come over?” Jim asked over the phone. He was pacing and biting his nails again as he waited for Gaila’s response. He was getting fidgety and it was dangerous now that Leonard was back to his job and he knew he had to relearn to take care of himself but sometimes he couldn’t do it, and he needed all the help he could get. “Sure, thanks”.

With the knowledge Gaila’d be there in less than 15 minutes he sat down and opened one of his old books. He’d stopped reading a while ago when the headaches had worsened and he couldn’t focus anymore, all his time was consumed by reading and rereading the same lines over and over again trying to make sense of words he couldn’t remember.

When he was finally getting into the book there was a knock on the door and one of his best friends was there hugging him and making sure his back wasn’t all sharp bones anymore. He had so many questions and so many things to say but whenever he was with his friends it became so hard to say the right things simply because with Leonard there were no boundaries, and with them there were certain things he had to keep himself from saying out loud.

“So what was it like? Did they follow you around and everything?” Gaila asked. It was ridiculous how her curiosity didn’t seem invasive or childish. That was the way the Orion expressed her love and worry.

“Yeah, sometimes they did” He admitted before taking the fork to his mouth. It made him feel weird to be eating in front of her when Gaila was only having a cup of tea, but he still had to follow his meal plan even if he was utterly uncomfortable with it. “It was totally like our first week at the academy, minus all the fucking” He said laughing and kept chewing as his friend started a conversation on Starfleet.

He asked about things with Carol, future plans and her career. According to her the world was finally at peace and her life seemed perfect at the moment, which was only better now Jim was there again. She was proud of him, and Jim felt undeserving all over again.

“So, are we getting her back or what?”

“Do you mean the ship or a crewman I can’t remember you slept with?” Jim asked over the last forkful of his meal.

“Oh my god, James Tiberius, don’t laugh at me but I was a bit unlucky just like you, and got feelings in the way. Now I can’t stop staring at her dumb beautiful face” She said with a dramatic sigh and then laughed. “I mean the Enterprise. I’m all Carol’s now”.

“I don’t know yet. Bones says it’s too soon to figure out yet, but I can’t help thinking about it. These months of torture have to mean something else beside even more food, you know?"  

“It’s gonna be okay, I’m gonna be there kicking Scotty’s ass in Engineering whenever you need me”.

 

* * *

 

Jim was sure he’d left no trace behind, he never did. He was as careful as ever and this time he made sure his eyes looked okay before Leonard could say anything, but it didn’t seem to work. There was no way he’d push his feelings away this time and make himself stop crying over his thoughts and his last meal.

He was more than exhausted. The world asked too much from him, and he wasn’t used to doing anything without any motivations. The thing was, not knowing if he’d get the Enterprise back or not was killing him and he still had a month to get himself together before going through the evaluations and tests. He knew if he did in fact get her he’d have to go through the same schedule every Monday, from weighing himself to wasting a lot of time he didn’t have as a Captain making sure his body wouldn’t freaking betray him in the middle of an away mission when he needed his strength the most. At the end of the day he knew it’d be okay and he’d get used to it eventually until Leonard thought the check-ups were necessary only every two weeks and his body got used to food.

Ever since the beginning his body thought food was toxic. Tarsus had shaped his mind into believing it was poisoned, or he didn’t deserve it, and so he became used to the emptiness he felt when he wasn’t eating and afterwards, the feeling he got after he emptied his stomach, so it’d take a while, but his crew had no problem helping him and Leonard would be there at all times to make sure he was in shape.

Still, not having his starship right in front of him and the uniform still hidden in his closet made things worse and he was so broken. So when Leonard got home and saw him sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest, all puffy eyes and broken voice, instead of sitting down next to him, his smile fell and he walked into the bathroom to avoid confrontation for a few minutes.

 Everything seemed just fine, but he knew Jim, and now that he had more energy and he wasn’t so scared of his heart giving out he could take all the time he wanted to get his facts straight and make a lie out of every word he muttered.

“Why are you alone? Wasn’t Gaila coming over? Did you lie to me?” Bones asked as he walked back into the living room, feeling betrayed because Jim wouldn’t even look at him in the eye. In a matter of seconds everything he’d ever done for him felt like a waste of time. He couldn’t hide his anger but he wasn’t going to let himself explode right in front of Jim to make him feel even worse. Still, his words managed to get the worse out of the both of them.

“No, I didn’t, I swear” Jim said pressing his trembling knees into his lips.”She had to leave so I just… I told her I’d be fine, I’m fine”.

“You’re not fine, nothing’s fine, Jim” Jim noticed Bones had gotten as anxious as he was after he came back from the hospital, they were both getting too keen on biting their lips and nails and pacing back and forth instead of talking to one another.  “Why won’t you ask for help when you need it? I don’t get shit about you, kid”

He didn’t want to tell him he was making things worse, he didn’t want to say his body hurt because he’d been sitting on the floor for such a long time the sun had set and he hadn’t noticed. He didn’t want to tell him he was ruining everything and his worthlessness was something he couldn’t forget when the memories came back.

“I wanna go home, that’s all I need. I hate this fucking city, I just want to be back on that ship” Jim said because as always he had no answer to Bones’ questions. He didn’t know why he was the way he was, he didn’t know why he kept making the wrong decisions.

“If you keep doing what you’re doing the hospital will become your new home” Jim stood up with shaky legs finally facing Bones, and dried his tears.

“I’m not doing anything, shit. I told you I’d talk to you if I needed anything. I just needed to get myself sorted out.  I couldn’t tell her what was going on, I couldn’t cry in front of her and tell her even if we do get the Enterprise back it won’t be the same. Do you seriously think they’ll let me do my job after all this fucking mess?”

“Bullshit” Bones yelled, covering his face with his hands afterwards, exasperated. “Why won’t you let us in, Jim? Why won’t you let me in?” He added in a lower voice. Jim knew he was just concerned, but everyone made him feel so misunderstood and lost because no one trusted him anymore. He knew he’d messed up on that one last mission, but it was all in the past and if he kept thinking about it he’d only help his illness get a firmer grip on his brain.           

“You don’t understand, do you? That’s not the problem, Bones. The problem is you’re such a big part of me I can’t let you go. Everything’s such a fucking mess because of a fucking starship and a stupid muffin” After a few seconds of silence he let out a laugh and sat back on the floor, close to Leonard. “A stupid muffin that’s still in the fridge and I’m supposed to eat but I can’t without you holding my hand through that sort of torture”.

Bones bit his lower lip and turned to his left to look into Jim’s eyes. He was tired of the way they kept hurting each other while trying so desperately to hold to one another, but there was so much to love about him he couldn’t simply dismiss. There were too many things they weren’t dealing with but with an illness that wouldn’t go away problems seemed to come chaotically and go with a few kisses.

Jim’s words felt like trust and a question unasked as they sat in silence. Sometimes it felt like it was too big of a responsibility for him to take care of a broken man who didn’t know what was going on when he wasn’t among the stars, but at times like these, he was certain sitting next to him as he tried to swallow the tiniest bite of the so called stupid muffin, Jim was everything he needed for his life to make sense.

“Do I get a reward for the first bite or what?” Jim asked, his jumper covered in crumbles which made his first bite almost worthless, but Leonard still kissed his cheek for the effort. “Hey, you can do better than that”.

“Yeah, I can” Bones answered with a cocky smile, Jim’s hand on his right one, and another stupid muffin in his left one.

“The muffin’s fucking betrayed me, don’t you dare bribe me with promised blowjobs, Doctor McCoy”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you can see I've decided I'm gonn update on Fridays. I also fixed the number of chapters this will have but because these are snippets maybe I'll add more depending on a bunch of things.  
> Also someone asked me about Bones' scars and I will explain that on Chapter 10 (sorry!). If you have any questions just comment and if I can I'll answer them (who am I kidding though I'm probably gonna write a whole new chapter just to answer it), and thanks everybody for your support! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain thoughts, and dealing with gross and scary supplements. Jim and Nyota's friendship also gives me life.

There was a tricorder dangerously close to his bare back. The sounds it made made him flinch for a moment because he knew what he’d be told afterward. His intrusive thoughts were slowly going away, although he was ashamed of recognizing sometimes he couldn’t stop thinking about food, but that was something he could only say to Bones and his therapist. Now Bones didn’t need to know the gross stuff just yet, but he still tried to tell him everything he could so there’d be no surprises once they were on the Enterprise.

Oh, the Enterprise. The starship he wouldn’t get to see soon enough and the only place he belonged to. It made him feel incredibly sad and hollow at the same time to look into the doctor’s and Bones’ eyes as the tricorder confirmed his potassium levels were too low still, and he needed to gain some more weight before he could do any kind of physical activity or submit himself to the amounts of stress a Captain faced every day. He wasn’t completely disappointed though, he knew exactly that was what was going to happen the day before when he’d thrown up until his legs felt weak and his head too heavy.

The pressure had been too much and he’d asked so many times to be stopped, but everyone said the same thing. _It’s okay if you don’t get your chair back just yet, take your time._ He hadn’t taken his goddamn time, he’d just swallowed bite after bite of the most disgusting pizza he’d ever ordered without daring to look into Leonard’s eyes. He didn’t say anything because both of them knew there was no stopping him, and if that was his only way to cope and to avoid throwing himself off of the fucking window then Bones had to agree to it only if Jim let him make sure he was fine afterwards.

“Worst agreement ever, worst decision ever and worst human being ever” Jim said pointing at himself once they were out of the building. “How did you even let me do it, Bones? Ugh” Bones simply shrugged and kept walking next to him. “Oh-“.

“Yeah” He answered turning around to look at Jim with a smug smile.

“Now I see what you did there, totally uncool. You used your southern charm only to get in my pants”.

“Yeah, I completely forgot it once I figured out not even sex would make you shut up” Jim played offended and fell silent. For the first time he understood Gaila’s words of wisdom when she said it probably wasn’t the right time just yet. Carol’s excited mumbling about new photon torpedoes being developed in the lab afterward still didn’t make sense though.  “It’s okay not to be ready”.

“You make me feel so old when you talk like that, Bones” He better get used to it though, he thought, because in a month or so when he was finally ready  Bones would be the one in charge of both his mental and physical help with the help of Doctor Chapel –excuse you-, and Chief Nurse Mirra. He’d beg a hundred times not to be embarrassed in front of Spock though, he still had his pride and awkward smiles to offer to the Vulcan to see if he’d finally laugh at one of his bad jokes. Damn, he missed his crew.

 

* * *

 

 

“Do I really have to do this?” He asked frowning at the cup of brownish liquid in front of him. It looked disgusting and according to his memories from the hospital, it was disgusting and it did make him feel like the world was gonna end when he swallowed it. “I mean it’s just a pound, we can work for that, can we?” He continued innocently looking at Leonard with pleading eyes.

It was Monday afternoon, a few hours after weighing morning and yes, he was a bit dehydrated and yes, he’d lost a bit of weight but those were only details. The full picture was he was feeling well and he could go up the stairs without feeling like dying.

“Bad agreements lead to this and I hate you” He finally said before taking the first sip and trying his hardest to swallow. It was like swallowing milk flavoured sand with a touch of dirt. “You only make me do this because you haven’t tried them before”.

“I’m glad we’ve agreed on eating rather than having a feeding tube go through your body, Captain” Christine added smiling at him. Oh, yes, Christine Chapel was the sweetest person on the entire universe but when you became her patient things were rather different.

She and Nyota were there for lunch, mainly because Nyota needed to give Jim a talk, and because Christine needed some details on Jim’s health and treatment. The support the crew was giving him was impressive because they were sure next month they’d be getting on the Enterprise with no problem whatsoever. Jim prayed to the universe they were right so he wouldn’t let them down once again.

 “Don’t call him that, he’ll get like a puppy after he drinks that” Leonard said looking at Jim as he finished his cup. “And that’s what happens when he doesn’t think he can eat, Christine”.

Nyota’s talk had gone like this:

“ _I love you but I can’t believe you’re such an asshole, you should call me at all times, you should try to learn a new language to keep yourself busy, you know, Christine thinks it’s kinda hot but don’t learn Vulcan because you can’t dirty talk in Vulcan. Back to the main subject, please talk to me, don’t be stupid, I’ll help you get everyone and organize a welcome party for the entire crew. Hikaru’s probably bringing Ben this time though, because he doesn’t want to-“_  And even though Jim would’ve loved to pretend he’d nodded without interest to everything she’d said instead of answering enthusiastically to it he had to recognize he needed things to happen quickly.

Starfleet was giving him another opportunity and he couldn’t waste it this time. Everyone agreed he was ready for space, even himself –even Spock.

Probably getting in his uniform would be a bit triggering, but he’d give himself credit for making it back to his ship if he managed to get used to 5 meals a day without following a strict plan or doctor’s orders that controlled his life. At the end of the day he had to do all of that for the rest of his life.

The questions would come, an Admiral would ask what had happened to him, someone would tell him he looked better, healthier. A new crewman would stare at him in the mess hall as he tried to finish a meal and the new nurses would get curious over his weekly visits to the med bay. People would see him struggle right then and there and that’s what made him so nervous of what was to come but ‘home’ meant more than anything.

His entire body shivered with excitement at the thrill of sitting back in that chair, talking to Bones through the comm. and embarrassing him in front of everyone. He’d missed away missions and meeting and helping people, but also taking care of his friends and family.

All his mistakes seemed so far away for a minute, the dead crewmen, Leonard asking him to stay with him – and then they reappeared as he looked from the empty cup to Bones and said “I seriously don’t think I can keep this thing down”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no excuse, I just really want to post this soon (I'm not a responsible adult making wise decisions, but I'm enjoying this a lot). Thanks for the support guys! I hope everyone's a great week :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones through Jim's recovery and the evolution of his feelings

By that point of his life Leonard McCoy was convinced he’d read every book there was on eating disorders. He’d read multiple theories and statistics and while the research the writers had made wasn’t the best all of them agreed on the same thing: Recovery was a possibility. However, all of them also agreed treatment worked sooner and better on patients who’d been sick only for a certain period of time (assumed to be only around one or two years). There wasn’t much on patients considered chronic, and all he could find on it were short paragraph on prognosis which seemed all very contradictory. Jim Kirk had been sick ever since he was a boy, everyone’d told him it was too late for him already, he couldn’t do that to Jim too.

According to psychiatrists, although inpatient treatment usually lasted about three to six months, the subjects weren’t considered to be recovered unless they stayed both mentally and physically stable for about 10 years. It was a bad joke. He couldn’t fathom how after centuries they still couldn’t find the right way to treat a mental illness. Sure, medication helped with parts of it, but the behaviours and the thoughts couldn’t be stopped. Recovery depended way more on the patient than the doctors, and he had the firsthand knowledge eating disorder patients weren’t exactly keen on recovery clinics or, how Jim called it, becoming a baby in front of everyone’s eyes. And in some way he was right, they suggested they were to be controlled and looked after constantly for the duration of their outpatient treatment.

Jim would fucking kill him when he told him that, though Jim could probably tell him much more about the science of eating disorders than the books did. Still, he sat on their desk without moving for hours like he did any other day until Jim got to their room after class and he had to pretend he wasn’t looking for outpatient programs for students.  Even if Jim actually had time for treatment Starfleet and getting his own ship were his priorities.

Ever since talking about Jim’s illness had become Leonard’s thing, Jim had decided to ignore him until he’d shut up and change the subject. It took him a great amount of time to be able to talk of it without getting upset about Bones’ inexperience. The interrogatories became common at a certain point of their relationship but Jim always lied blatantly, and he always chose to sit down with a bottle of water or a salad he wouldn’t finish in front of Bones’ full tray whenever they had time to share lunch. Back at the academy almost all of his secrets were safe still, and Leonard was kind of glad they were because otherwise his desperation would’ve consumed him and he wouldn’t have trusted himself to say the right things.

Bones chose to pretend he couldn’t hear him from his bed, he knew how to lie too, except it took him a while to figure out he noticed things only when Jim wanted him to, and that was his way to manipulate him. Jim would make his illness visible only when he needed it to get Leonard’s trust back, but that way, with slow steps and concerned looks that said _you can trust me_ Bones got to know Jim’s quirks, habits and rituals and accept them as just another part of the person he loved.

He never knew how to react to Jim’s concentrated look every time he cut an apple into his preferred amount of pieces, or dunked cookies and pieces of cake on cold water. Sometimes Jim did this thing where he’d sit next to him and make him eat while staring intently at him. Probably it had to do with his fear of people not taking care of themselves or simply because it made it him feel better when he saw people eating in front of him. Leonard let him enjoy moments like those even though he knew they weren’t what was best for him.

With the time he became grateful of having Jim sit next to him on the bridge and he learnt to appreciate hearing his heartbeat when he rested his head on his chest and traced circles on his stomach. Jim trusted him enough to let him touch him and he’d taken the time to grow comfortable under his kisses and words.

He could see the magic their starship worked on Jim’s mental stability during the first few months, but then something seemed to break within him and as he’d seen him rise he’d seen his descent too. Jim’s sleep schedule had gone to shit, and some nights he tried to make sure Jim was in bed breathing deeply before he fell asleep but most nights none of them got enough sleep trying to hold onto each other as words were left behind because there was nothing they could say to make each other understand love wasn’t enough to stay alive.

His logic told him Jim’s body wouldn’t know how to react to normal quantities of food even if he gave it a try, and he’d seen him twisting and turning on bed because of the cramps he got when he couldn’t get rid of food after a diplomatic reunion. There was nothing he could do, except give him painkillers when the pain was too bad and wait until he fell asleep.

On Earth hell broke loose. That was why he knew his approach had to be different and he couldn’t allow Jim the same things he’d before. He hated seeing Jim cry because of the way he treated him, and he despised himself for practically forcing Jim into hospital so many nights he’d known he could lose him if he wasn’t under active observation. Both of them made the decision that time, and when Jim finally accepted getting into a recovery program Leonard McCoy finally let himself break in front of everyone.

He swallowed his pride and forgot all the research he’d done for so many months as Carol hugged him and promised he wasn’t alone, but it didn’t feel that way when he got home and Jim wasn’t there. His silence meant much more, something not even his bright smile at the hospital could replace and even though he never believed in god he prayed to whatever was up there to give him enough patience and strength to be able to smile whenever Jim told him he’d made progress Leonard couldn’t trust was real.

Loneliness burned his chest at night and sleeping was hard because he’d grown used to Jim’s cold hands on him and his apologies whispered into his neck as they both pretended the world would be fine if they kept ignoring what was going on. Still, McCoy was proud of himself for challenging Jim to make sense of his eating disorder to see if he could at least find an excuse to ask for forgiveness. It made Jim feel like shit, but it was Leonard’s way to prove he was right.

That was the main reason he felt so content and full of gratitude whenever Jim would ask for help, whether it was with tears in his eyes or a pleading smile on his face. They’d been to hell and they hadn’t made it back just yet, but they were weeks away from Jim’s real goal, and Jim’s kisses felt different, his words and his voice sounded so different and so sincere.

 The way he loved him was fearless, reckless and so real.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally saw beyond because it premiered here only yesterday so I'm thinking of adding another chapter, or I'll probably add another work to the series, I'll see how that goes but I'll definately let you know!
> 
> Thanks for your support, everybody. I'm enjoying this so much I'm full of pain.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Jim's trying to get used to his body and everything gets sad, and Leonard really hopes his love is enough to cure him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still can't quite figure out how to write smut in less than four hours without being uncomfortable? Lots of comfort ahead. Warnings include: explicit sex, body dysmorphia & dissociation (they're not explicitly explained though).

“Mh, I don’t know” Jim said staring at his reflection. It’d been a while since he’d actually taken the time to inspect the way his face looked, but this time it seemed so different to his eyes. His cheeks seemed fuller and he wasn’t so pale anymore, his skin actually looked a lot healthier. He looked closely at the tiny scars on his jaw line and the one on his right cheekbone, but for some reason that didn’t confirm the fact it was him. The bags under his eyes weren’t as dark anymore and the only thing he could recognize about himself was the bright colour of his eyes. Being honest to himself, he had no idea how he really looked. Leonard said he was good looking, but that was totally biased, so he believed he was at least descent looking on good days, the rest was a mystery to him.

Seeing his reflection most of the time was like having all the pieces of a puzzle and still being unable to put them together in the right way. He could see the colour of his hair and that smile that looked so out of place, his broad shoulders, the curve of his neck and the shape of his arms and thighs but some days everything looked so different, much bigger or much tinier and there was no way to know which one was the real James. He liked the way his eyes contrasted with the colour of the tiles behind him in the bathroom and he got lost in the way his body felt alien to him until he heard Bones’ voice again.

 Leonard was pacing in their room, talking about their plans for the day and the people they’d see but Jim wasn’t so sure about it anymore. After examining the way his jeans hugged his thighs he   decided the best solution to his problem would be hiding under a blanket until the ache of self hatred melted into the warmth and darkness of a blanket fort.

“You listening?” Bones asked after what Jim believed had been an unanswered question, and instead of nodding or looking at him he kept looking at the fit of his jeans. “Okay, you’re not, never mind” Two minutes of silent judgment were enough for Leonard but he said nothing when Jim walked out of the bathroom, sat on the bed and hid himself under the blankets. “James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, actual five year old”.

“I’m not the Captain yet” He responded in a weak voice.

Bones sighed and sat on the bed. It came to his mind that they were getting used to sitting on that bed to talk about their problems, Jim always hiding beneath a pillow or a blanket to avoid his evident embarrassment. “Come on darlin’, what’s wrong?” He asked trying to find Jim’s _something_ under the blankets. He settled on patting his thigh.

“Don’t do that” Leonard took his hand away quickly wondering why Jim seemed so defensive all of a sudden.

“Do you want to talk about it? I can call the guys and tell them we won’t make it. It’s fine” He said reaching for his comm in his pocket. He saw the blanket moving slowly and assumed it was Jim nodding. “Yes to the talking or yes to the calling?”

“No to the talking” Leonard nodded, forgetting Jim couldn’t see him. He pressed his lips into a tight line as he stood up and padded into the living room to talk to Scotty. He came up with something that wouldn’t make Jim feel betrayed as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. The crew was excited to see him again, this time planning on having a much nicer day than they’d had when they’d seen him after coming out of hospital, but unexpected things always happened with Jim and his breakfast shouldn’t have been taken as a sign of a good day in his head. 

Truly, he’d woken up feeling great, he’d held onto Bones’ body a little longer and eaten slowly but still he’d managed to feel okay about breakfast. His problem wasn’t exactly food that day, but Leonard always forgot even though it wasn’t about his body, sometimes he had days when he couldn’t recognize the person looking back at him in the mirror. He wanted to hide in there until his body went back to an acceptable version of itself he was comfortable with, one that didn’t exist, one he wouldn’t even find in his memories.

As soon as Leonard was out of the bedroom he dragged himself to the bathroom with the blanket hanging from his shoulders. His entire body felt heavy but for some reason the bathroom made him feel safer than the rest of the apartment. He knew he wouldn’t be able to throw up anything so there was no point in trying, so he sat down and once again covered his body with the blanket.

The brightness of the room reminded him of the endless hours he’d spent in there, feeling mortified for the time he’d wasted trying to make sense of his surroundings after throwing up but at the same time feeling grateful he seemed to be in a better place. In days like those all his effort felt like nothing and all he wanted to do was bury himself alive so no one would see him.  He wondered how the hell Bones could even stand seeing him.

He knew what would happen if he opened the bathroom door. He thought a bit more about it. No, he didn’t know what would happen anymore because his world had changed so much during the last year it felt like a dream. Happiness felt fake and forced whenever it was there, but it was real, he had to believe.

“Are you out there?” He asked. His voice was too loud and his body kept shaking under the blanket. He wasn’t there, he couldn’t be trapped in that body. “I just want you to know I’m not throwing up, Bones”

“I know” He answered from outside the door as he stayed sitting in front of the door while playing a boring and repetitive game with a weird plot he wouldn’t understand unless he finished the game, it was the only way to keep himself busy enough to avoid thinking Jim was dying in there. It was ironic how Jim considered that room safety, and Bones thought it meant death.

Ready or not Jim pursed his lips and breathed in. “How can you even stand looking at me?” He asked sincerely as his voice broke.

“Do you want to talk about it? Really talk about it?”

“No” He answered, this time with tears in his eyes. He knew Leonard would say he was gorgeous and there was nothing wrong with the way he looked but it didn’t make sense, not even when he was looking down at his own hands.

“Okay, so there’s this boy who gets into a shuttle, he’s got blood all over his face and he looks at everything with such curiosity and wonder. Then there’s me, being crap and throwing up on him, and he, yeah, believe or not, he’s the one who apologises. So he’s all bright eyes and he looks like he’s gonna cry and you know, I can see he’s hurting all over so we share a drink. I thought if we died on that shuttle it’d be nice to die next to someone who seemed as broken as I was, I thought that guy’s smile would cheer me up even if I was dying of suffocation. That’s just dumb, you see, but I’m good at dumb and bad decisions just like this other guy was” Leonard clears his throat and stays in silence waiting for any sort of response. “So then I find this guy again, but I don’t remember he’s him, you know? And damn it, he looks so good in that uniform. I think I look like shit but he still looks at me, the cocky bastard, and he fucking smiles at me, can you believe that? I bet he doesn’t remember me but that smile takes to me to the goddamned Gamma quadrant and back, but then he says hi, and the asshole leaves that other guy to follow me around like a puppy. You’d understand I threw up on this guy while the both of us were a fucking mess, so I really don’t understand a damn thing until he tells me I’m his roommate. Obviously I want to shrink and hide under my bed until the end of days because this gorgeous guy’s looking at me all kind smiles and he’s so touchy feely he gets a bit under my skin in all the wrong ways at the beginning and I don’t know why but I can’t stop looking at him while he does the most mundane stuff in the world. Damn it kid, I liked the way he did the dishes, and whispered to himself when he was reading. And then it turns out he’s also clever and smug as hell, so I just roll with it, until there’s that one night where he stares at me shamelessly because _he knows._ I think he knows because he’s practically made of self-confidence, but then I get it too, the same thing he gets as he looks at me. I love this guy, and he loves me too, but we just don’t talk about it, and the he walks to my bed and kisses me like he’s needed to do it for such a long time and I’m burning all over, and it feels so familiar, like we were made to fit together, like I’d been waiting for it to finally feel alive”.

“Then we figure out we’re an item, but later I find out he’s sick and he changes a lot. He thinks I don’t like him anymore, he thinks I want to leave like the rest of them but he doesn’t get I’ve always said yes to everything he’s asked, he doesn’t notice I’ve agreed to be his CMO when he makes Captain, he doesn’t understand at this point I’d do anything for him. And still, after more than ten years together he doesn’t understand I’d do anything for him, I’d rather take care of him and talk shit for hours just to keep his mind away” He continued. His voice was hoarse and he’d been trying for such a long time to swallow his yelling and to soften his rough edges. “I never know what’s going on in your head, but if you tell me I won’t flinch, darlin’” Bones shifted on the bed, his game left unfinished, so many words stuck in his throat and so many reassurances and affirmations he won’t say.

Jim reached for the doorknob and left the door open in front of him, hiding the lower half of his face behind the piece of fabric. “I look weird, I don’t get it” He said staring at the floor as he blushed. “I don’t wanna wear the uniform again because it’ll look weird on me, I don’t wanna go outside looking like this, looking like me”.

“There’s nothing wrong with the way you look, Jim. You’re good looking, you were born to be in a Starfleet uniform” Leonard said as he went back to his initial position to look at him.

“But it makes me look so big, Bones” He answered in a low voice. He felt so embarrassed recognizing he was afraid of going back to Starfleet with a new smile on his face, with a new attitude and a new schedule made around his eating disorder- no, his recovery. “It’s so weird to-“.

“What is it about it that makes you so uncomfortable?” Jim snorted and rolled his eyes. “Believe it or not, I know I can’t convince you of how hot and amazing you really are, sugar”.

“Believe it or not, everything” He said letting the blanket fall and pool around his hips and feet to show Bones what he meant. Jim could feel his look on him, he was probably red eyed and blushing but Bones wouldn’t comment on it.

“Well, I think you’ve got great ankles, if that’s what you mean” Leonard said from the bed, laughing. “I mean I could mention your ass, your arms, your chest, your back, your neck, your smile, god that smile, or your eyes, even your lips, but you won’t listen to me, so I guess we gotta mention the curious stuff, do we? I like the weird way you think, I like your knees when they’ve got carpet burns on them, I like the way your fingers feel on my neck, I like the way your lips brush softly against my fingers”. He said moving slowly toward Jim, offering his hand to help him stand up. “I like the way you talk and your weird fixation with books and the gross stuff you eat sometimes, man you can eat a spoonful of mustard, I admire you, but that’s probably the eating disorder” He continued, placing his hand on Jim’s hip, slowly skimming up his torso under the shirt to make sure he’d memorise the differences of his body. Jim shivered slightly under his touch and nodded.

“I’m too much” He added a few seconds later. “Over here and over there” He continued as his hands slowly slid down Bones’ stomach to his thighs over his clothes in an uncomfortable angle. “I don’t like it, everything feels different” They walked clumsily into the bedroom again and stopped at the edge of the bed.

“What about my hands, though? Do they feel different too?” Leonard asked, interrupting himself with short quick kisses to Jim’s wet lips. He reached for Jim’s collar, nipping at his jaw line as he grabbed it to help Jim take off his shirt. He squeezed his shoulders and slid his hands up his neck to pull him into a hot kiss. Leonard always used too many words and Jim too little, but when they kissed it was different. Jim licked his lower lip and the scrape of teeth against his tongue as he explored Jim’s mouth felt like the rage he was filled with then being soothed by the warmth of his tongue against his. Jim moaned into the kiss before Bones let go. “How do they feel like?” He asked with a deeper voice kissing at his neck and collarbone.

He continued undressing Jim, unbuttoning the jeans Jim absolutely hated and kicked away as soon as he could. He pressed his forehead against Bones’ when he looked him in the eye and gave him a sad smile. Bones kissed him again and this time Jim wrapped his arms around his neck and relaxed under his touch as he was pulled closer. In a matter of seconds he felt Leonard’s fingers running along his back and sliding under his underwear, slowly pushing his boxers down his thighs, taking a moment to slide his hands against Jim’s hipbones and lower back. “Do they make you feel okay?” He asked moving his hand down to rub against Jim’s hardening cock as he pressed his fingers into his left hip.

Jim moaned against his neck in response, biting at his shoulder as he pressed his body closer to Bones’. He moved his hand up Jim’s torso once again, and used his thigh to rub against him until he was fully hard. Jim complained about the denim feeling weird on him, using Bones’ distraction to pull down his jeans and boxers.

“Fuck” he whispered against Leonard’s lips and sucked a mark on his right shoulder.

“You’re so needy, I love it”.

Bones turned around and helped Jim sit on the bed. Jim looked up into his eyes with a cocky grin on his face and then pressed slow wet kisses to his stomach, making him shiver. Leonard crawled onto the bed and over Jim’s thighs, and started grinding himself against Jim who pushed himself up onto his elbows to look at him. All his focus went to the tantalizing way Leonard rocked his hips. 

“Fuck me” He said before he could stop himself, and all his discomfort went away with the way Bones looked at him, so full of love and want. “I need you to fuck me hard and hold me because I feel like I’m fucking breaking” He added looking into his eyes, trying to convey the same love he’d always felt. He knew if there was someone who could make him feel alive it was the man on top of him whispering how beautiful he was. There was nothing quite like the way he craved Bones’ touch.

“Hand me the lube, will you?” Bones sat next to Jim on the bed as he reached for the nightstand and then he shifted on the bed so it was easier to open his legs and pull his knees up. The contact of his fevered skin against the cold sheets made him shiver slightly, or maybe it was the thrill that came with the sound of the bottle of lube being opened.

One of Leonard’s hands pushed his hips down after he moved to sit right in front of Jim. He pressed a kiss to Jim’s thigh and he swore under his breath as Leonard continued with quick kisses and bites that would leave bruises as a reminder everything about him was perfect for Leonard, from his soft and pale skin to the scars and cuts on his knuckles.

He pressed one of his fingers into his entrance, still focusing mostly on marking Jim’s thighs as he did so. Jim clenched at the intrusion and gasped when Bones twisted his finger after waiting for him to relax. He slowly started to work him open giving him time to adjust even as he begged for another finger. Then he added a second finger and said “You okay there?” at Jim’s silence.

“Just keep going” Jim whispered, his breath hitched when Leonard’s fingers curled inside him. He grunted as he thrust deeper, his movements faster but still careful, trying to hit that spot inside him to make Jim forget his inhibitions and start being as noisy as he wanted again.

His thighs had marks all over and he knew every step he gave later would remind him of Bones’ fingers sinking into him as he asked for more. A third finger went in, and Jim spoke again, sounding completely wrecked “Come on, Bones”.

For a second he thought he’d seen Leonard grinning before removing his fingers. Then he heard the bottle being fumbled with again and as soon as he felt Leonard slowly pushing into him he wrapped his legs around his hips, pushing him deeper. Both of them moaned as Leonard leaned over to let Jim’s arms wrap around his neck.

He moved slowly at first, until he heard Jim’s grunts again. Damn it, Jim had learnt to ask for things, and he’d become incredibly good at asking to be fucked the way he liked in a way that made Bones’ knees feel weak.

One of Leonard’s hands gripped Jim’s shoulder while the other squeezed his thigh where the bruises were slowly appearing. When he started thrusting harder and deeper Jim covered his mouth to keep himself from moaning and asking for more, he focused on his hips meeting his thrusts and closed his eyes until he felt Bones’ forehead on his cheek. “Let me hear you” He asked pressing a kiss to his jaw, squeezing his thigh tighter as he rocked even harder into him.

Jim gripped Bones’ shoulder and his expression changed as he whispered “Bones, you feel so good, fuck” encouraging Bones to keep going. Soon Leonard curled his fingers around Jim’s length making him moan louder. The muscles in his thighs and stomach burnt as he made enough room to stroke him. Jim tried to kiss him but couldn’t reach him as his arms shivered. “Fuck, I’m gonna come” Leonard stroked him faster, keeping the rhythm but trying to angle his thrusts so he’d hit his prostate.

Jim’s moans became louder until they stopped altogether and he was unable to make any sound except for the hitch of his breath whenever he met Bones’ thrusts until he came on his hand, clenching around Bones and feeling his lips finally meeting his in a long kiss. Leonard buried his head on the blankets under Jim’s neck trying to keep his rhythm while Jim whispered into his ear.

“Fuck, wanna feel your come inside me” Leonard answered with a grunt as he came. When he finally came back to his senses, he pulled out and softly kissed Jim’s shoulders, collarbone and neck. Then he cleaned Jim up, his chest and thighs as he took a mental note to use a regenerator on some of the marks he’d left on Jim’s sensitive skin. Jim smiled lazily at him through it, looking into his eyes and letting himself feel real.

 “I hate you and your hands and your mouth” Jim finally said trying to reach for a blanket to cover himself up again.

“Are you hurt?” He asked. It was instinct for him to worry about Jim being injured, after all, that’s all he seemed to do in away missions, that was exactly why he would never hurt Jim on purpose even if he asked him.

“No, I’m good. Everything’s good”.

“Then I’m glad you do” Leonard answered smiling back at him, and kissing his thigh for the last time before lying next to him. “I’m glad you’re back”. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really wanted to post this asap because it just made me so uncomfortable lmao. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and, as always, thanks for your support. Expect another chapter on Friday!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim getting where he's supposed to be and if he tried harder to be in control of the situation he'd outrule the fucking Federation.

Leonard pointed out mockingly the way Jim’s hair looked underneath his grey hat. That uniform still looked amazing on him, but it made him feel rather uncomfortable where it was tighter than before. He sighed at his own reflection and smiled at the mirror practicing his grin for when he could finally look at his crew reunited. Such a joke of a Captain, he told himself, still he was convinced he wasn’t fit for the job. But if he managed the last few years, sick and everything, he was pretty sure things were going to be at least _okay_ his third time on the ship.

As he closed his eyes he remembered the bad times he’d had on the ship, letting all the guilt wash over him for a second before trying to convince himself he could do it. His whole world would make sense again, except for the emptiness in his stomach making him burn from the inside. Leonard had given him the freedom to skip breakfast, because he knew Jim wasn’t going to be able to cope with it, but this time he didn’t let him indulge. Lunch wasn’t on his plans either though, but he knew Bones would make him eat or at least drink something before officially receiving his title as Captain of the USS Enterprise once again.

The thought left him feeling numb, his hands were shaking and he was having a hard time breathing, but Bones helped him through it. It seemed like a dream and a nightmare at the same time. He knew he hadn’t faced what had happened before, and there were too many things to try to understand at the moment so he’d push them away once again. It was a mistake that would take its toll on him.

The subtle scars on his face made him remember the pain of it, the way his entire body burned and screamed when he couldn’t move. They needed to get there, no matter what but Jim simply couldn’t get his legs to move, he knew what was happening but he couldn’t tell Leonard he needed to be beamed up because he was too weak for that kind of a mission.

He kept shaking as he and the rest of the crewmen walked their last half hour to the bigger settlement, and by the time they got there they were supposed to have a strategy, or at least a plan to make them talk first and shoot later, but they didn’t. Jim was still back there, panicking at what’d looked once like kindness and openness instead of death and trauma. It’d been like Tarsus all over again, the smell of blood, trying to protect others so bad but failing and losing everyone around him still because of his inability to do things properly. And then there was so much shouting and he couldn’t listen to Spock or Bones anymore, his ears were ringing and his legs were giving out-

Behind him, Leonard was staring at his broad shoulders under the jacket. Jim seemed stronger now, like this time he was ready to be in charge, like this time he would make the right choices and accept help whenever necessary.

Leonard, in his own uniform, looked down and breathed slowly in and out as he bit his lower lip when Jim asked him to have lunch later because he wouldn’t be able to keep it down in such a situation. He nodded without saying anything, just hoping he was making the right call for Jim’s well being.

Jim couldn’t remember much afterward. There was a lot of hand shaking, hugs and kind words directed toward him, the familiar smell of the bridge, the faux leather of the Captain’s chair under his fingertips and then the world crushing down on him. He knew it was coming and everyone else did too, so as soon as everyone saw him walk clumsily to the turbolift Uhura decided to go with him. She asked him to breathe in and out but Jim couldn’t make his body react anymore and he couldn’t understand what she was saying.

He knew he wasn’t on a mission, he knew he was still on Earth, simply visiting his ship to make sure she was fine and they knew her before their next mission. He’d received his title back, he was the Captain of the USS Enterprise, James Tiberius Kirk, Leonard said next to him and he wondered whether his voice was real or simply inside his head.

“That’s it, Jim, just breath with me. Uhura, can you bring me the old red sheets? They’re somewhere under my-“

“I know where they are” Nyota answered as she quickly jogged into one of the rooms where they kept their supplies. It took her less than a minute and then she was back on Jim’s side, wrapping the fabric around Jim’s hand so the texture would help bring him back.

Jim felt the scrape of the old fabric on his fingers, he was breathing once again, the lights did no longer seem incredibly bright but he felt so exhausted now. His eyes focused on the floor as he tried his hardest not to react the way he always did after a panic attack, crying wasn’t an option.

“You with us, kid?” Jim nodded trying to look into Bones’ eyes. Then he helped him up and walked him out of the ship. Bones didn’t waste his time on explanations to people he didn’t know but he took a minute or so telling the rest of the crew they’d see them next week according to the schedule, they could comm. if they had any questions and Jim’d have no problem answering them. Jim nodded at every word Leonard said.

He was probably causing the wrong impression but next time he could say he was feeling a bit under the weather and show himself the way he was without panicking. His starship and his crew safe and sound meant everything to him, and he tried to hold onto that to stay grounded on their way home.

“I’m kind of hungry” He said at about seven in the afternoon when Bones seemed to have forgotten everything else in order to make sure he was rested and feeling steadier. He mentally cursed himself for forgetting at least three of Jim’s five daily meals, but he still felt proud of him when Jim asked for food and got up to get something for the both of them.

He was hungry, he could swear, but for some reason there was no way he was reaching for the fork and getting it into his mouth. Even when he tried it seemed so ridiculous and possibly weird in Bones’ eyes but as soon as the fork hit his lips he pressed them closed and couldn’t get himself to eat. He sighed.

“Fuck” He told himself wondering why the most special day had been ruined multiple times by his brain. Even now that he had to keep doing his best for his crew and for the Federation he couldn’t make himself open his mouth and chew. “Leonard, I can’t get the fork in my mouth” He said with watery eyes in a small voice.

Bones had been distracted because he was focused on the holovid they were watching before Jim mentioned food. He looked at him a bit confused, thinking there was something wrong with his arms or maybe that he was joking until he saw Jim’s panicked eyes.

“What?” He asked incredulously.

“I know it seems incredibly weird but once it gets there I can’t help but shut my mouth, I can’t” Jim explained and Leonard’s heart broke in a matter of seconds. He was trying so hard everything was becoming even more challenging under the stress and when his intrusive thoughts became powerful enough to make his body stop doing what it was supposed to do it meant hell was about to come unless they did something. He tried to stay calm as to avoid scaring James even more.

“Shit, okay, do you want me to help? You can keep your hands down and close your eyes, maybe pinching your nose will help” Leonard said taking the fork from Jim’s hand. Jim nodded waiting for him to help, he tried everything they could think of and ended up with tears running down his cheeks. “Maybe you should try drinking something, darlin’. It’s okay, you’re having a hard day, tomorrow will be better” He said soothingly holding his hand.

When he came back with the gross looking –and tasting- drink Jim had dried his tears.

“I haven’t eaten anything solid today though, it’s gonna mess me up” Disgusting supplemental drinks were easier to deal with. They tasted like shit but if he closed his eyes and thought of space and the humming of the enterprise he could pretend it was very weird textured water and leave it at that without any questions.

“We know your red lights, Jim. Just let me know when you’re feeling hungry, ok? Hey, we’ll fix this” Bones answered at Jim’s obvious concern, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. Later he commented on the weird taste of the drink while Jim drank his second glass to try to make up for the forgotten meals. He didn’t let Bones know liquids were also easier to puke, and hunger went away if you ignored it long enough.

He promised himself the next day would be different as he lay in bed and Bones run his fingers through his hair.

The next day had indeed been way better. For a while he’d forgotten he wasn’t the only one who really loved the Enterprise because as soon as he’d stepped out of Starfleet HQ he’d been more or less kidnapped by a beaming Pavel Chekov and taken to Gaila’s place.

He realized home meant much more than Leonard McCoy because he found family too, in that tiny apartment on Earth.

“No dinner, promise” Carol winked at him with a bright smile on her face, carrying a tray of drinks until she was interrupted by Scotty and Gaila who apparently needed urgently to drown their tears in glasses of champagne. He’d forgotten how much those two were willing to give for their starship too.

Bones was chatting with Geoffrey on the sofa and Jim was glad he had the chance to talk to somebody else openly without feeling guilt eat at him. He no longer needed to pretend his entire life was heroic and perfect.

He searched for Sulu out of curiosity –Chekov had said his fiancé was there- and he found him talking to Darwin next to an Orion plant named “Annie” by Gaila.

He’d truly forgotten how his interactions with his crew felt so natural in a relaxed situation, how touching and hugging them and kissing their cheeks was a part of them even if Spock insisted it wasn’t appropriate for a serious crew. Jim insisted on calling him an essential part of his bridge squad.

Spock walked up to him. “Captain, you look… healthier” He said and raised an eyebrow at Jim’s sigh.

“Thank you, Spock. You look healthy too” Jim seemed to find new ways to exasperate his first officer every day, and that was what he’d been trying to do for the last days knowing he’d see him soon. He patted him on the arm and walked toward the table to reach for a glass of wine.

Fuck, he needed that kind of freedom even if it didn’t completely belong to him just yet.

“Shit, I needed alcohol in my life” He told Nyota who was leaning on the wall looking at the ‘medbabes’ –Spock had said again and again it was really unprofessional to call their significant others and M’Benga that-. They were probably laughing at each other’s dad jokes.

“Well, excuse my actual priorities, but I needed you in my life, you ass” She answered with her lips pressed to the glass. Her lipstick had disappeared into it as she sipped relentlessly. “Did you know I learnt Vulcan?” She asked, nodding at him.

“Did you learn how to insult Spock? I really can’t imagine Vulcan profanities, though”.

“Well, that’s because they’re rather decent people” She continued pursing her lips. “If you go to the classics, though” She said elongating the last word.

Jim missed all of this, the way things seemed interesting and he wished he could focus enough time to learn an alien language if only to bicker with his friend. Christine and Leonard would lose their shit listening to them pronounce their names and unable to understand a thing. He was glad he was starting to recognize himself again.

Uhura left to go talk with Gaila, Scotty and Keenser who seemed to be more composed now.

After a while he’d managed to talk to every single person in there. He’d met Ben and congratulated Sulu on their engagement and he’d asked Scotty all about the Enterprise. By the end of the night he was happily tipsy and willing to complain about everything with his friends.  

“Hey” Jim said in a loud voice “I kinda wanna make a toast!” He added holding his glass carefully in his shaking hands. Everyone fell silent and looked at him. Damn, if that wasn’t captains-y of him then nothing was. “Here’s for bad toasting and a marriage and a beautiful beautiful starship. Well, I just wanted to thank everyone for sticking up and not leaving in another ship, except for Sulu and Chekov who betrayed us and left in the Farragut for five months but that’s okay because they’re here today. I hope everyone’s healthy in the near future, like Spock said” The crew laughed around him while the drunkest ones –not so surprisingly Scotty, Gaila and Uhura- nodded looking at him with bright eyes. He downed his last cup of wine in a second and smiled at them the way he hadn’t in months.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The fork incident has happened to me multiple times. I know, I know, it sounds stupid and childish but brains are weird and amazingly fucking awful.  
> ** I didn't want to dedicate an entire chapter to the incident that messed up Jim's career, so if you've got any question I'd love to answer them in private or on tumblr (@ltjaylah).  
> ***Hikaru and Ben need to get all the love in the universe and I thought it'd be nice to sort of mention him before he canonically appeared. Crying.  
> I'm incredibly happy Jim's getting slowly there and as somebody mentioned in the comments he was getting a bit lonely, so here's some crew feelings. I enjoy Jim and Uhura's friendship like nothing in the world. Anyway, thank you for kudos and comments everybody, you're all amazing!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe me, i know many things about eating disorder recovery sound so fake just because they're really stupid. Aka using behaviours without noticing is way too common and annoying.

“We weren’t supposed to come back yet, Scotty, we’re gonna have to beam down later. Everyone wait for my command” Jim said through the comm walking out of the main transporter room. He was carrying Lieutenant Antares to medbay after apparently innocent natives had shot him with an old weapon. Same old story, he thought hurrying on his way to medbay.

When they finally got there Dr. Chapel was in charge and Nurse Johansson helped him to a biobed. He was covered in Antares’ blood and somehow he’d been hurt without noticing. Apparently, that was Jim’s thing.

“Spock, report” He asked over his personal comm waiting for an answer as he sat on an empty biobed. Now he’d grown used to the medbay he knew Bones would never let him walk out of there with cuts on his shoulder and left side that seemed deeper than they felt, so he waited for the Doctor to arrive at Chapel’s request for help. He needed to get patched up soon so they could organize and plan part two of their mission to get the supplies the natives had stolen from a ship whose crew had disappeared.

The disappearance itself was not what worried him, he’d look into it once they got the natives to calm the fuck down so they could get to Lerta III on time. Now priority number one was getting Spock’s report and making a plan to get things sorted out quickly.

As soon as Bones saw him, went to his biobed and examined him he figured out he’d have more than enough time to make a plan if he stayed only thirty minutes. He knew the doctor was fast when he wanted to, he only had to convince him.

According to Spock the crewmen were safe, except for the ones who’d gotten shot. Antares needed surgery, the rest of them would be okay, but they needed time to find someone else who had the same required knowledge on weaponry and more people who were into the archeological and psychological aspects of it to understand the natives’ motivation. They needed to study the geography of the settlement again before making an entire new plan, and he’d need to take Carol out of her lab to make sure they’d neutralize the weapons, make the guns useless and finally get the materials they needed from the torpedoes. It was way too stressful, but Jim was used to those sorts of messes and he’d learnt to enjoy them if no one got seriously injured.

Bones looked at him with concern, brow furrowed and tricorder in his hands. “Do I have another cut I can’t feel or something? I’m feeling a bit weak, maybe I lost blood and it got mixed up with Antares’” He explained. Spock’s voice recited all the information they had on the planet while Bones stared at him.

“You’re feeling a bit weak because your vitals are all over the place, Captain. So sit your ass down until we say you can leave” Christine said smiling ironically at him behind Leonard’s back.

“Fuck, fuck, oh fuck I’m-“.

“When was the last time you actually ate Jim?” Leonard asked and it came to him he’d been awake for the last 36 hours and when he’d woken up he’d had a cup of coffee with cream and whole milk –skimmed milk would make its triumphant come back into his life soon. He tried to remember what he’d done the prior shift, and he could recall two things: He definitely hadn’t had lunch with Nyota, and he’d fallen asleep on his desk which meant only one thing:

“Shit, Bones, I got too excited and forgot to eat” The realization hit him hard and he wanted to laugh at himself for thinking he was doing perfectly except he’d sent his diet plan and sleeping schedule to shit. “I couldn’t remember why there were so many reminders on my comm.”

“Exactly, you couldn’t remember because you hadn’t eaten, you infant” Bones answered pretending he trusted every word he said. He did want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he knew how Jim got with job in his hands, but he was utterly frightened Jim’s eating disorder had suddenly decided things weren’t working anymore and it’d shift into anorexia or any sort of restrictive type of thing he wouldn’t know how to face because hell, he knew how to keep him from bingeing and throwing up but if Jim stopped eating it would destroy his body in less than a month.

Jim could see Christine judging him, and he accepted there was a chance she was right too, maybe he was choosing to ignore his hunger in order to cope with stress, or maybe now he couldn’t binge anymore eating didn’t make any sense, except he did want to eat, he’d just forgotten headaches and his stomach grumbling didn’t mean he was tired, it meant he was hungry.

“In my defense, I do want to punch myself in the face too. Can you fetch me something from the replicator, pretty please, Bones?” He requested with a convincing smile. God, it felt so weird to ask for food without feeling like he needed to hide, or like he was lying. He still felt weird because everyone could hear him.

“You’re dehydrated too, darlin’” Leonard sighed patting his thigh as he looked to his tricorder “You’re gonna have to keep your pretty ass in here for a while, so relax. Someone will bring you food later, a nice delicious supplemental drink and we’ll have to stick a needle up your arm, sugar” He finished before retreating into his office to get the information and some notes on Jim’s personal file.

Once he’d written it all he started pacing, the habit hadn’t left him, not even when Jim’d seemed to be doing much better, but with all their missions and his check-ups every two weeks he’d looked healthy enough to keep doing his job. Now Christine was going to walk into his office at any second and make uncomfortable questions he wouldn’t know how to answer because he hadn’t been paying attention either.

“Doctor McCoy, are you out of your fucking mind?” She said trying to keep her voice low “You know we’re gonna have to keep him in observation, we can’t send him down there like that. If he gets hurt again god knows what could happen to him. We’re lucky nobody got seriously hurt but he’s already weak enough. If you don’t make him stay for at least 24 you know I will” Leonard nodded pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew, he knew. He was glad Christine could make the hard decisions he couldn’t always do for Jim’s sake.

“I’ll talk to him when things calm down around him.  I’ll take him to our quarters instead” He said trying to find a quick solution that wouldn’t upset Jim to the point where he wouldn’t be able to make up for the days where he’d sent everything to shit. He didn’t know how on earth he’d convince him of staying in bed and dedicating time to eat when there were people who needed him working.  

When the medbay finally calmer and Doctor McCoy was the only one in the quiet of it, he took his time checking on Antares’ vitals, Watson’s injuries, and Amaline’s potassium levels after a bad case of food poisoning and then he walked over to Jim’s biobed.

“I’m so bored. Can I get back to work?” Jim asked childishly. He knew he’d messed up but he was trying to take advantage of Bones’ trust to finish their mission quickly, his whole body itched to get things going.  

“No, sorry, kid. You’re under a 24 hours period of observation by yours truly. I got you out of medbay so you’ll be more comfortable, though”.

“Mess hall, quarters, my beautiful bridge?” Jim asked with pleading eyes. Deep down he knew there was no way he was getting that mission finished on time, at least not by himself.

Jim would be hyper and/or upset for the next 24 hours if he didn’t keep him busy enough but he’d find a way to entertain him that didn’t have to do with food because hell, if he was tired of hearing about food, he couldn’t imagine how Jim felt at that very moment when smile felt at the sudden change of plans.

“Back to your quarters with your personal doctor, and supplemental drinks that’ll make you regret you threw up for the first time” Bones answered with a sarcastic smile.  

“Worst human being ever” He said pointing at himself with a defeated smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there you guys! We've got two chapters left yet and I'm working on another part of the series because I love this au too much.
> 
> Thanks for everybody's support, y'all made me feel so much better about the last chapters, you're all amazing and I can't thank you enough for your kudos and comments!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe this will be done next week? Aw, I'll be back with angst soon though. Jim's attitude problem is back y'all.

“When will this become a monthly thing?” Jim asked turning back to see the information on the screen. Christine stopped him before he could get a look and frustration ate at him. He was tired of people judging his progress and his improvised recovery team on the Enterprise hiding things from him because they didn’t trust him. 

“When you start trying hard enough” Christine answered nodding at Nurse Kazmi.

Whenever they considered he wasn’t doing enough progress they’d have a stupid reunion behind his back and make adjustments to his diet plan. The uncertainty of it killed him, but it also meant he wasn’t maintaining his weight which wasn’t that bad. 

“Will you kindly fuck off Christine?” He said with a smile letting his anger surface for a few seconds before he remembered he was the Captain. He quickly excused himself and went back to his quarters to keep going through the day. During weigh-in and check-up mornings he couldn’t do anything, so he sat down, had a latte with too much sugar in it and slowly ate half a bowl of cereal. 

It was getting to the point where he was feeling too many things at once and because they weren’t too busy, still on their way to a starbase ten hours away, he was letting everyone’s stares weigh down on him. He knew they cared, gosh, he was tired of hearing that, but he was a person too, and he needed to be independent. If he had a ship of his own, it was because he’d been able to do this thing for a certain period of time and yes, he might’ve slipped a few times but that was common and it absolutely did not mean he was relapsing and hiding it from everybody. He wouldn’t do that to his crew. 

Leonard would hear about it, what was worse he’d talk about it and look for a solution to a problem that didn’t exist yet. It pissed him off because no one ever took the time to listen to him and he understood he deserved that for hiding so many things for so many years but he needed to be listened, he needed to tell them it wasn’t okay to force him to eat because it simply made him feel weak and powerless and he couldn’t allow himself to feel that way anymore. Leonard understood, but he couldn’t let him do as he wished either, otherwise they’d be trapped in the same stupid cycle for years and years until one of them figured out whether the other was lying or not. 

“Uhura, let me know if you need me on the bridge, I’ll be in my quarters” He said through the comm and let the silence envelop him. He remembered silence as judgment, desperation and hiding so he had to teach himself silence and loneliness were okay sometimes. 

He decided to watch holovids sitting on the sofa and drinking lemonade as a way to recall lazy afternoons with Winona. He loved how crazy those movies were, when people imagined they’d destroy themselves instead of creating something that brought peace and fixed all the simple problems in their planet. They’d done much better but having no expectations always made the outcome look wonderful for humanity. 

Soon afterward, when he still was definitely not ready to talk about his check-up, Bones commed from his office. He could see the scowl in his face and his worry was evident in his eyes, so before he had any chance to say something Jim defended his position.

“In my defense I’m sick of injections and people assuming I’m still using behaviours” Leonard sighed at his words, taking a few seconds probably searching for the right thing to say out loud. 

“Look, I understand, I really do, but they don’t trust you” His expression changed again and now he seemed upset “We want you to be here to discuss what we’re gonna do, we’re waiting for you” Jim didn’t give him enough time to say ‘see you’ before he was getting up the sofa and out of his quarters to get to medbay. 

Christine was casually sitting in front of Bones’ desk. Doctor Vellar, a betazoid that was there to act as a therapist but someone Jim couldn’t exactly trust, was sitting right next to her and both Mirra and Kazmi were there too. His muscles tensed when he felt their looks on him, it felt like a fucking intervention. 

Jim grew more annoyed as he listened to the doctors and nurses talk about the way he was acting and reacting to treatment. According to them, mentally he seemed ready to captain his ship and have a diplomatic dinner without losing his shit, physically he wasn’t doing as well as they wanted, but the most important part weren’t the facts, what had them all trapped in that bright office so full of his and Leonard’s memories were simple assumptions. He was exasperated by the time Chief Nurse Mirra finished talking.

She’d mentioned something about his unwillingness to talk about it, the trivialization of his illness, and how that seemed to be taking its toll on him. Jim smiled sarcastically, but at some point it had indeed become really funny. 

“Don’t psychoanalyze me when I’m in front of you, psychoanalyzing only works when the subject isn’t obviously having every one of his actions taken into account. Look guys, we all know I really really respect you and some of you are my friends but please let’s leave it here. If I’m telling you I’m fine it’s because I actually think I’m fine, do you get that?” He asked and breathed in as his anger curled in his stomach. 

“Yes, but Ianto here” the damned betazoid “maintains you’re hiding something, and we can’t trust you if you don’t trust us” Mirra continued. 

“How the hell am I supposed to trust you when you won’t even ask me before you make a decision? Please freaking let me know when you figure it out because every time I want to talk about it you get all grossed out and if not you’re force feeding me, and you know what sucks when you have an eating disorder? Being forced to eat by people who can’t even fathom you won’t eat because you know it’s gonna make you feel like shit” Bones sighed as Jim’s voice got louder. He’d seen all of that multiple times, he’d heard all sorts of confessions already and for a moment it felt like a weight lifted from his shoulders, because it meant Jim was finally ready to fight back and yell at them when he didn’t agree. He’d make treatment work for himself if no one else wanted to help him. 

“You need to maintain your weight, that’s it, it’s not the hardest thing to do, Captain” Vellar added and Jim looked incredulously at him. It astonished him how that asshole was supposed to sense his feelings and he still managed to be completely lost. He hoped he felt his anger more than anything else. 

“Are you kidding me right now? Do you want me to gain weight? I can do that, Doctor McCoy knows firsthand how good I am at eating until my body’s useless. Can you think about it before you speak at least? I’m gonna ask for two things, only two simple things. Don’t fucking make me eat when I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m physically and mentally unable to eat, get it? Second thing, just fucking listen” He finished holding his breath and with his arms crossed over his chest. He hated how he seemed to be the only one who was really trying. He hadn’t noticed he was still standing at the door, but when he turned around to leave Bones’ voice stopped him. 

“We’ve been doing that for month, so far it’s been great. I know you all have great expectations because Jim’s good at everything else, but he’s shit at taking care of himself. I’ve been through the worst things ever next to him, and he’s being honest right now. If any of you keep fucking up whether it’s with his treatment or with someone else I’m gonna ask for a transfer as soon as possible and I hope you learn a thing or two about mental illnesses while you work here”.

“Thank you, doctor” Jim cleared his throat and stopped himself from smiling mockingly at the others. In that moment Leonard was acting like his doctor and his Chief Medical Officer and he was so glad he’d asked him all those years ago to be his CMO when he had his own ship because otherwise he knew he wouldn’t have made it anywhere. 

“You’re all dismissed” Jim said from the door, keeping his eyes from the others’ because he knew things would be tense for a while in there. He just hoped they could work as a team, and not only for him because there were other people that needed to be taken care of too on board of the Enterprise. 

They sighed at the same time after the rest of the team left, Bones’ frustration apparently gone and Jim’s anger still on the air. “Can we eat now? I’m fucking starving and they keep changing my replicator settings”

 After lunch Jim decided he wouldn’t let them make him gain any more weight, he couldn’t control that his entire life and he had to get used to it. He changed back his replicator settings, sat on his desk and tried to calm down before sending a message to Doctor Vellar.

“I apologize for being an asshole and I’m saying this both as your patient and your Captain. We gotta talk about those mind reading skills of yours later. 

Yours truly, James T.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Infinite thanks to everybody who enjoys this au. Have a nice weekend and thanks for those comments that make me low key cry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard McCoy needs more appreciation.

Leonard used to be all bitterness, sharp edges and low quality whiskey until he went to Starfleet, until he found where home was meant to be. Jim remembered the scrape of his stubble when they’d kissed for the first time, and his memories went back to that shuttle where both of them looked broken in different ways. The taste of alcohol was still sharp on his tongue, lips tingling a little.

As he looked at Bones sleeping quietly next to him he thought of all they’d gone through, from simple room sharing to not being able to survive without one another, up to the point sometimes he felt they were going supernova. Sure, what they’d leave behind would be nice but they’d burn forever. Still, he had many years to think of all the possible outcomes and catastrophes that were mandatory in their lives.

Leonard didn’t have a particularly chaotic past, but he’d been as self destructive and reckless as Jim until he’d lost everything and the sky was all that was left. He knew the story written on his body in scars and freckles, even behind his eyes when he looked at the stars. He’d tried to take all that pain hiding within his ribcage, behind frowns and weird metaphors, pressing down on Leonard’s lungs leaving him out of breath when there was no one else to see, but Jim couldn’t take it away, because most of the time it was pain he’d caused. He knew the anger burning hot in him and the lump in his throat as he tried to swallow it and make it disappear.

He wasn’t all emotions –but he was no Vulcan either, excuse you- , although he always had strong opinions and a strong personality, steady hands and a gentle soul, he had to keep it all at bay, and that was what worried Jim the most. He had no way of hiding his feelings in front of his loved ones though, and he wasn’t particularly good at staying in silence either, but that always seemed to work for him. Leonard McCoy was made of contradictions, too many hours under the sun and so much love.

He’d fallen asleep on his left side, resting his right arm on Jim’s ribs, hand moving slowly to press against his stomach, but as Bones never had an easy time falling asleep when he had a critical patient in medbay he’d twisted and turned the entire night –whatever that was so supposed to mean in space-, he’d ended up sleeping on his stomach with his right knee uncomfortably resting on Jim’s thigh, letting the blankets pool under the right side of the bed.

Jim ran his fingers over Bones’ back, knowing the fucker wasn’t ticklish so he wouldn’t wake him up. He took his time examining the softness and warmth of his skin against the tips of his fingers. He couldn’t see his face but he knew there’d be a scowl if he woke up and turned to look at him. Jim was so grateful they could finally have moments like this back in their ship.

Looking at his tan skin, his touch lingered on a curious path made of freckles – there was this one on his neck Bones absolutely hated and Jim loved- and scars along his back, ending on the back of his thigh. There were so many things Jim loved about his body, from the way his thighs wrapped around his hips as he fucked him, the way he groaned and moaned when Jim’s lips and tongue were on his cock, how he smiled at him before bed and how he seemed to despise him after he woke up because goddamn it Jim, I’m not a morning person, to his accent and his curiosity.

Bones had a scar on his right hand, a cut on the back of it made by David McCoy from that one time he didn’t want to take his meds. He also had a bruise on his right thigh that’d never disappeared –Jim loved to suck on it to pretend it’d been him and only him who’d marked him like that-. Throughout the years he’d attempted to memorise his entire body like a star map.

His breathing hitched for a second and he turned to his left once again, this time with his back to Jim. It was weird he wasn’t awake with all that staring yet, but Jim was glad he could keep thinking and smiling to himself because that man meant the whole world to him.

According to Jim, Leonard had the ability to look amazing in all sorts of ugly looking Starfleet uniforms, including the weird ones they wore in medbay, a fact that was only made better when Leonard got to their quarters, took off his clothes and fell asleep naked right next to him, giving him the liberty to test his own ability to remember every detail of him.

Then, there were the scars on his lower back which Bones had grown comfortable with over the years. He didn’t like to talk about them and he was certainly grateful they weren’t for everybody to see, but they were part of his body and what had made him Leonard McCoy. Jim considered he was too dramatic. Maybe because he was also covered in all sorts of scars, all of them with a different origin, but the ones on Bones crisscrossed his skin, leaving nothing to the imagination for someone like Jim who knew his way around wounds.

He liked touching them, mainly because the skin was sensitive, but also because it was proof they’d saved Leonard that one time, he hadn’t lost him like he’d lost the kids in Tarsus IV, or like he’d lost a his crewmen.

For the hours the away mission had lasted the uncertainty was worse than a confirmation, but after Bones had been beamed up and Jim saw him bloody and in apparent incredible pain, it’d been worse. He’d taken care of him, as a way to apologise for his on-going mistakes, but Bones had said nothing. He wouldn’t talk about it to anybody either, until he did.

Jim’d been separated from him, and though he’d also got hurt, he’d been healed by the Empath and saved by the ever so stupid Leonard McCoy, as he more or less offered himself as a sacrifice. He’d chosen to get hurt in order to protect him, Spock and the Empath.

The hours had passed while Jim recovered from the injuries that hadn’t been healed because the Empath was weak, which only meant Leonard would have no chance if he survived. When he returned to the ship there were a few burns on his stomach and chest, as if he’d been tortured by some primitive creatures instead of beings who only wanted to prove they were wise enough.

He’d been handcuffed for hours -and he’d fought hard because his wrists were such a mess he couldn’t move his hands-, burnt with weapons in their lowest settings so they wouldn’t kill him, and hit with different objects to break the Empath. Finally, she healed whatever she could before helping him escape. They only assumed she’d died because of the severity of Bones’ wounds even when he returned and after she’d tried to heal him. She’d done as much as she could for them.

The minutes had become years and as he lay on his stomach he’d swallowed his cries and begs to be killed, because even if the Empath could feel his pain, wherever she was she could still protect both Jim and Spock. He kept thinking of the way Jim had been tortured when he was only a child, and scars weren’t the only thing he’d gotten from that.

Jim often remembered the way Bones’ looked out of breath, tears running down his cheeks, his face covered with dirt and his clothes ripped. He’d had to pretend he didn’t look like he was about to die when he was perfectly sure there wasn’t a 50/50 chance.

Though the creatures had held him prisoner no more than 30 hours they’d found more effective ways of hurting him, and after he was back Leonard simply stopped talking for a few days, not only because he was weak, but because of the control he’d been submitted to.

At least Jim and Spock were safe, he’d tell himself as he received yet another blow that felt like a whip but not quite. It was sharper, deeper, like blades attached to the ends. The pain had disappeared as the blood stained his trousers and what was left of the back of his shirt.

He couldn’t feel anything, but it hadn’t been the making of the Empath. The scars would always be there, since the cuts hadn’t been properly taken care of, and the regenerator was mostly used on his face, neck and stomach where most of the burns were.

He just wished he could’ve also saved the Empath. He couldn’t fathom such a life so full of pain. He’d asked her to let him die, but she couldn’t.

Those scars had a meaning for Jim, a meaning Bones didn’t exactly want to remember every day of his life because even though he couldn’t explain it for him, it was failure and it also made him feel so scared of what he felt toward the family he had in that ship. He’d rather let them see him suffer, comment on his scars and the momentary void in his eyes than lose them because of medical curiosity or selfishness.

It seemed sort of funny for a moment how away missions always went completely bizarre or chaotic, but Bones had come out of it completely changed after years and years of nothingness and he’d experienced the pain of it all in 30 hours where he’d been an experiment to them. They hadn’t laughed, they’d simply commented on the curious nature of humans and their stupidity, as Leonard tried to keep his senses working because his limbs wouldn’t respond anymore.

Horrible pain and weird looking scars hadn’t been what had finally scarred him, but the sudden realization of a life so full of nothing that he’d managed to turn into something, something so beloved and important to the universe they had to keep going without him even though he knew it’d break his friends. He’d been the second one to prove he’d give his life for them at any moment, but he’d been hurt the most. Jim’d taken his time to help him recover, to soothe him with quotes from classics and his touch, to clean his wounds and let him sleep with his head on his chest.

Leonard stirred a bit, and yawned as he opened his eyes. He could feel Jim’s body behind him, his cold fingers pressing softly against his pale scars. He turned with a scowl on his face.

“What are you staring at, kid?” He asked genuinely curious, a facet of Bones Jim had never seen in the morning, because damn it, he was an asshole when he woke up.

“I’ve come to the conclusion” Jim said, brows knit together “that I really like your ass too, Bones” Leonard simply rolled his eyes and let himself stare a little bit too, specially at Jim’s freckles, his collarbones and then going back to those eyes as beautiful as that first supernova Jim’d ever shown him. Sometimes he had a hard time believing Jim’d finally stopped hurting himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this is quite sad. It's over, but im too attached to this series to let it go and I'm planning on writing at least two more short fics. We'll see.  
> I chose the Empath because it's one of my favourite TOS episodes and it made me love Bones even more.  
> And finally thank y'all for your support, and your comments (especialy redford & bonesmcc0y always making me suffer with theirs lol). See ya in the next part sometime soon!


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